When that Nelly Song Used To Be The Soundtrack of Our Life
It was easier to say I love you, but I guess I still do
I think about it over and over again. (Nelly — Over and Over)
At first sight, we still look so alike. The same eyes that witnessed the same childhood. We love the same sports, we earned the same diploma. We made it to the upper-middle class, but here, we are all but alike.
You prefer watching sports now and I still play them. Your diploma hangs on the wall for everyone to see in your place downtown, mine is somewhere in the drawer in the outskirts. You like the thought about belonging to the upper-class someday and driving a faster car while I do not feel comfortable in their company and I do not drive fast. I even feel you judging me, my way of dressing, my style of speaking. I hear the subtext in your words and I learned to pretend it does not bother me. It almost feels as if you were superior to me now. Suddenly, I cannot live up to your expectations anymore and neither can you.
They used to believe, we are twins, but nowadays, they have no reason to think that.
I accepted all of this.
But do you remember, when we were kids? Were we not more alike then?
If you want to go and take a ride with me (Nelly-Ride Wit Me)
I struggled in math, you failed in English, but we learned a lot about losses, fighting, and overcoming. They really used to believe, we are twins. As soon as school was out, we turned the PlayStation on. The games were pixelated, the options limited but every awful game graphic was worth the memories. Wrestling on TV was fake, we still re-enacted it, and watched the finals at four in the morning from the other side of the world. We practiced, we played, we even partied together. Against all odds, we made it through school, to graduating college. We simply made it through it all. I am still proud of us. No words needed back then, we were a team. A family.
I never thought someone could get in between. But I know this is how it all started.
So I changed huh, you got a phone
Pick up and call me (D12-How Come)
It was a creeping process, just like continents drifting apart. Suddenly there is an ocean, deep and unconquerable.
I never thought you would deny where you come from. And I would not allow anyone near me, instilling an ounce of that thought in me. But I guess, we are not believed to be twins anymore. I wear our past as my armor, you like to cover it up, not realizing the weakness in that.
You look different in the suits and turtlenecks. You call yourself grown-up, mature, and now you pay attention to your language. You speak as if everyone is here to listen to you. I think you do not know what growing up means but I might as well speak another language. We grew apart.
Did I simply stop developing and making progress? Who is right and when did that start being important? How do you manage to instill all those doubts in me about myself?
Are you doing it on purpose?
I do not like to admit it, but I feel not good enough anymore for your style of living. I feel as if I do not belong to the company you keep. You seem obsessed with impressing people, focusing on those superficial things we used to laugh at. I make fun of you behind your back because it is easier than admitting how hurt I am and sometimes I fear, you do it too. I preach you should let me live the way I am and practice criticizing every bit about you that changed.
I am sure you forgot where you came from, but then, there is that glance in your eyes. The one you used to have when we were little and you were scared. Maybe the world still scares you, despite the facade you wear for your new friends. Maybe you are still the little brother not knowing how to grow up correctly, maybe you need my hand, need me to be your bigger sister. Growing up means being self-responsible. I could try to tell you about it, but you have different voices in your ear, telling you differently. I try not to blame, but I still do. And I still do not understand, where that ocean between us stems from. Our closeness drowned — we do not open up to each other anymore.
Though I’m hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today (Twista ft. Faith Evans-Faith)
I hope one day you recognize that diplomas are merely a tool for the world to label us. Maturity comes from within and real strength means embracing your flaws. I hope I recognize my mistakes and I am able to admit them to you. I hope I will leave that resentment behind. Maybe we both changed, but when this is how we are now, then I have to accept, that we are not so alike as grown-ups on two different paths, and where we are headed is unknown. And no one knows what the future might bring.
As kids, it was easier to say I love you because there was only one perspective to be considered. Now we first consider ourselves, then the other one, then society and everything it wants to have considered. But love never cared.
And I do still love you.
I promise I will try to show you more often.
